Jul 7 / Natalie Savery

The Competent Person’s Guide to Burn Out

The hidden cost of coping

and image of an open book , glasses and a cup of coffee
I have always thought of myself as a pretty resilient person.

But earlier in my career, there was one area where my resilience was far more fragile than I realised at the time. And it led to me experiencing my first ever case of burnout.

It was 2020, deep in the pandemic. I was focused and feeling like I was coping well. We were juggling work and childcare, but it felt ok. But lurking underneath, after years of working in a role that I felt comfortable in, in an organisation where I was seen as someone who knew what was what… I had developed the belief that I should not make mistakes.

Other people could make mistakes – I was fine with that. In fact, I often said mistakes were useful. They helped us learn. They helped us improve. They were part of being human. But me? I just didn’t make mistakes. I was meticulous, I knew what I was doing…

Then one day, I sent an email to the wrong person. Right first name, wrong surname. It was not sensitive. It stayed within the organisation. No harm was done. I did not even realise until the person’s manager mentioned it in passing - “I think you sent ‘x’ an email by mistake — that’s not like you”, they said with a smile. There was no malice in it. It was a throwaway comment, probably intended as a compliment.

But it stopped me in my tracks.

That tiny, insignificant mistake suddenly felt much bigger than it was. If I was making mistakes, what did that say about me? What did it mean for my identity, my reputation, my competence?

Looking back, I was probably already on the edge – I’m sure the impact of homeschooling and isolating had taken an invisible toll. But that small moment escalated into burnout. Within a week, I was off sick for the first time in years. I was not ready to return for a month, which was unheard of for me.

And all because my resilience had been hanging on a belief that I needed to be right, reliable and close to perfect.

It was a huge learning moment. Not an easy one, but an important one. Counselling and coaching helped me through it, and over time I developed a much healthier relationship with mistakes, expectations and what it means to be good at my job.

It also shaped how I now think about resilience.

It showed me that resilience is not just about coping, pushing through, or working harder, longer or faster. And it is definitely not about holding everything together at any cost.

Coping can be useful in the short term. We all have times when we need to dig deep, get through a difficult period and keep moving. But when coping becomes our default setting, it can start to mask what is really happening. Sometimes, the people who look the most competent are the ones quietly burning out.

That is the hidden cost of coping.

This is where resilience needs a reframe.

Thanks to that experience, I did a lot of work around resilience to get myself back on track. Then, a few years ago, we were talking as a team about the lack of really practical approaches to building resilience. This was the birth of a tool I’m extremely proud of - the Leaderful Action Resilience Framework. 
The framework looks at resilience through three connected areas: Clarity, Stability and Agility. Clarity helps us understand ourselves and what matters. Stability helps us stay grounded, connected and well. Agility helps us adapt, accept, reframe and respond when things change.

It’s built on the principle that resilience is a set of skills and practices – things we can develop. It reflects that resilience isn’t something that just happens, but something we can influence. 

The aim is not to give people another thing to do, it’s purpose is to give a realistic, actionable way to develop our skills in resilience, so we can notice earlier when our resilience is being tested, and make small adjustments before coping becomes costly.

So, how can we start?

1. Build Clarity: know what matters and what you bring

When we are under pressure, it is easy to lose sight of ourselves. We become focused on what needs doing, who needs us, what might go wrong, and what other people expect. Before long, our sense of competence can become tied to keeping everything moving, getting everything right, and being the person who does not drop the ball.

That can be a fragile place to stand.

Clarity is about knowing who you are, what matters to you, what strengths you bring, and what gives your work and life a sense of purpose. It helps you act from self-belief rather than fear, guilt or comparison. In our resilience framework, this includes assurance, purpose and self-awareness: trusting your ability to cope, staying connected to meaningful goals, and noticing your own reactions, strengths and stretch areas.

A useful question to ask is:

What am I using to measure my competence or worth right now?

If the answer is “never making mistakes”, “keeping everyone happy” or “being able to manage everything”, that may be a warning sign.

Real resilience needs a steadier foundation. It comes from being clear on what matters, what is realistic, what strengths you can draw on, and what “good enough” looks like in this situation.

2. Build Stability: protect what keeps you well

Many capable people are very good at meeting other people’s needs. They notice what needs doing, step in, smooth things over, remember the details and keep things moving.

But resilience is hard to sustain when your own needs are always at the bottom of the list.

Stability is about the things that keep us grounded. In our resilience framework, this includes connection, self-care and values: having meaningful support, looking after our wellbeing before we reach crisis point, setting boundaries, and staying connected to what matters when pressure rises.


A useful question to ask is:
What am I treating as optional that actually helps me stay well?

It might be sleep, movement, quiet time, connection, planning space, a boundary, a proper break, or a conversation with someone you trust.

If it helps you stay steady, it is not a luxury. It is part of your resilience.

The aim is not to add another thing to your list. It is to notice what protects your capacity and to treat at least one of those things as necessary, not as a reward you only earn once everything else is done.

3. Build Agility: adapt the expectation, not just yourself

Sometimes when we feel stretched, we respond by trying to become more efficient, more available or more disciplined. But resilience is not always about stretching ourselves further. Sometimes it is about changing the expectation, renegotiating the plan, or accepting that something has to give.

Agility is about being able to respond flexibly when things change. In our resilience framework, this includes perspective, flexibility and acceptance: being able to reframe, adapt your behaviour, take ownership, and distinguish between what is within and beyond your control.

A useful question to ask is:
What am I still trying to force that actually needs to flex?

That might be a deadline, a standard, a routine, a commitment, or a belief about what “good” should look like.

Burnout often grows in the gap between reality and expectation. We keep trying to meet a version of the plan that no longer fits the circumstances.

Adapting is not failing. It is often the most resilient thing we can do.

Time for a Reality Check

Many, if not all, of us are facing complexity and stretch like we’ve never known before. The world is getting more difficult to navigate, work is becoming less stable and expectations are higher. It can be easy to keep pushing through without noticing the cost before it’s too late. This means that resilience is more important than ever.

It may be time to pause and take notice if you find yourself:
  • saying “I’m fine” when you know you are not;
  • feeling unusually irritable, flat or resentful;
  • needing more recovery from ordinary tasks;
  • comparing yourself with people whose full situation you cannot see;
  • feeling guilty when you rest;
  • making small mistakes and reacting to them as if they are major failures;
  • feeling responsible for keeping everyone else okay;
  • losing connection with work or activities you usually care about;
  • believing that asking for help would mean you are not coping.
None of these signs mean you are failing. They are information.

The point is not to become perfectly resilient. That would just become another impossible expectation. The point is to notice earlier. To respond sooner. To stop mistaking silent endurance for strength.

To find out more about how the Leaderful Action Resilience Framework could support you or your organisation get in touch.

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